hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
