Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
