just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
