Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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