so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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