Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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