did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
