Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
