know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize