she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
