I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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