The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
