well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
