All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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