Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
