...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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