my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
