Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
