After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
