WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
3pm strippers are depressing
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
