I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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