my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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