Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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