His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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