as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
