We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
