mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
