i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
my poor anus
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
