Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
