I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
