U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
