I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
