i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
