I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
