yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
