my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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