I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
