Redeem this text for a blowjob
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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