Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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