So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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