By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
