Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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