my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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