I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
