I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize