the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
