susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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