I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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