I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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