I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize