So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
