this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
