It's a beautiful day for a hangover
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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