i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
