life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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