Moan for me like Helen Keller
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
