4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
